I had the good fortune to spend the weekend yet again in the colorful South with TMI's family in Sauzet.
Between delicious and drawn out meals, we went on walks, runs, bike adventures and gallery visits, plus one outing to a river to swim around in the icy water. We made our usual constant and creative love on every rock, table, park bench, and physically possible place that turned up throughout the weekend.
Despite all this goodness, about half of the time, I was totally plagued by two extremes: A) I really love this guy and am insecure and think he's gonna break my heart and this makes me miserable, or, B) I'm not really in love with this guy, and, if I stay with him, I'm just missing out on something better and this also makes me miserable.
While problem A can be jotted up as typical insecurity and latent desire to keep a little turbulence in the romance, problem B is a little more complicated, and, well, embarrassing.
Last summer, when I first came to France and fell head over heals for the repulsively unattractive, smoking, and foie gras farmer, B, I somehow convinced myself I wanted to marry the guy and invited him to Hawaii to meet my family. I incessantly gushed to my parents about how great he was and how much I loved him. (uuugghghhh this makes me want to puke now) Then, he shows up in Hawaii, and, in the harsh light of my own reality: my family, the island where I grew up, my friends, my language, I saw B for what he really was: a completely wrong for me, stinky, dirty, and dull French guy who I could barely communicate with. I had to break his heart in a drawn out, pathetic, and hugely uncomfortable drama that continues to nauseate me to this day. The man had brought a diamond ring with him which he gifted me in front of the entire family christmas morning. Yeah. Messy. I no longer trust my own eyes, heart, or brain.
The B incident proves that I'm insane. So now, with christmas visible on the horizon and TMI and I discussing love, the prospect of him visiting me in the Pacific has surfaced and filled me with subsequent terror. I want to be in love, but I don't want a repeat!
I would say, have him visit your family as a good friend. Don't tell them you're in love with him and let him know that you may want to play things cool when you two get there. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think Miss Allie has a point. No brief feelings of adoration are worth that Christmas repeat. Take a deep breath, and be cool.
ReplyDeleteI always fake it (i.e. the coolness). Somehow, I may actually be succeeding right now though, so I highly recommend it.
Well man, maybe you should focus less on a grand wedding etc etc and just enjoy yourself without worrying about those sorts of serious future things. I know I myself can get carried away with romantic daydreaming, and frankly, it's put me in a rather rough spot of late. Always seek a second opinion to keep your feet on the ground (sort of. It's ok to hover a little.) Just remember that you are a fabulous talented beauty and you deserve a guy that fits you in all ways! (As hard as it is to see that someone maybe won't be that person forever.)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Elsa. Just try to focus on the good things you have with TMI, and less on future plans. If things are still going good in a few months then you can decide to invite him to Hawaii. Then invite him as a guy you're seeing, not as the love of your life or future husband.
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