Sunday, September 30, 2012

Exclusivity Before Commitment

I thought girl talk was supposed to clarify, sort through, and expand on man issues. In France I've missed out on this kind of banter for the past 2 years, and now I can say, returning from an evening of presque non-stop man/dating/interpreting of hidden messages chatter, I have never been more confused. 

Tonight I was told that the "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing works for guys, because they can date a woman for years and never consider marrying her, but it doesn't work for women. Women apparently don't have monogamous sexual relationships without attachment and a goal of commitment. The open-ended intimacy doesn't work with us. So! What is the solution according to my gal pals? No committed relationships until marriage: in other words, no exclusivity until someone is willing to offer commitment in exchange. 

Apparently it's ok to stop having sex with other people, but dating should remain open until the one "steps up" (I prefer sacks up) and is ready to give you commitment in exchange for  your fidelity and exclusivity. (Which, as the theory goes, would work since women can't give that without getting attached.)

This tends to go against my current belief system which tells me good love and good relationships come from monogamy and intimacy, so go for it, but my attached and insecure side wonders if I'm doing it all wrong.  

Is it ok to give it all? Or are we giving it all to soon? 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Yell if You Have To.

My honey has been working in a vineyard in the boonies for the last several weeks with no internet connection and no international cell phone plan. I send him daily love messages anyway, knowing they won't be read, but I'm sorrowfully starting to feel like "my honey" is imaginary.

In other news I have been fitted with my IUD. Yes, as yahoo answers will tell you and the thousands of other girls posting "will it hurt?" it will just about ruin your day. A second nurse actually came in and gave me a stress squeeze ball and her hand to hold, saying, "yell if you have to." For the record, I probably made the people in the waiting room very nervous. 

I've been consistently campy for the past few days, but I will say that going off the pill has lead to an increase in libido, (hard to believe since I was already in the maniac devision) and, TMI here, more intense orgasms. Just throwing it out there as one of the potential pros. -For anyone potentially in the decision making process.

One week and counting to my brother's wedding, which means 1 week and three days before I return to France and survey what damage two months apart has done to my once perfect relationship. I hope it's all repairable. 

Oh! And lastly, cancer news: I get to stay in limbo for the next 9 months. I'm told it's at a stage where my body may kick it on its own with "yoga, a multivitamin," and probably karate lessons. I have to come back next year for a second biopsy to see if it's gone, the same, or worsened. 

Live in the moment!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Marriage and Cancer

Today at Kukio there was another wedding. I swear someone is getting married there every weekend, often consecutively on saturday and the someone else on sunday. All this beach wedding action plus my brother and future sister in laws' frantic wedding prep has really put me off to the whole thing. I may be desperate to make the man I love my family, but I have zero interest in wearing a pouffy dress and holding his hands in front of a crowd while some over-charismatic speaker leads us through a cheesy, religious, or cliche ceremony. 

Ideally: discreet but classy dress; an intimate party of 10-15; there's excellent liqueur and great food; I'm cozy in my partner's lap while people laugh and drink; sometime at the end we sign the papers with no show whatsoever. No photographer, no vows, no cake, no bouquet, and definitely no pouffy dress.

Before I fell in love, I was all about the party. Now that I'm there, I just want spend my life with this guy. Screw the festivities. 

In totally unrelated news I have high risk HPV and mutated cells on both my cervix and vagina. So there goes the IUD option. Instead of the 5 minute installation I'd been sweating about, I had a half hour biopsy where chunks of  me were snipped out while I cried into a tissue on the doctors table. Girls are so sensitive. At least I am. You spend so much time meditating on the position that the only person you want anywhere near that area is the man you love, exclusively, and then you have to lie on a table for thirty minutes and get violated by sharp objects. 

The conclusion is that I may have cervical cancer, I don't know what I'm going to do about contraceptives, and I don't think I want a wedding.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

The $1000 Chip

I'm seemingly going through a dark place. In the day I can't remember what our intimacy was like or if it even existed. Sometimes I get a little flashback in my dreams, and wake up elated, but as I rub the sleep out of my eyes it's overcome by this ache in my stomach. Kind of a fear and misery with no real base, just a persistent and defiant continuity. 

Now, even if he tells me he loves me and wants to keep me, the words can't penetrate me. I wan't them to, terribly; I want to feel that and be confident of it, but the fear and discomfort has built up such an immense and resilient endoskeleton of distrust that my pining, delicate entrailles can't be reached or soothed by words.

On top of this, the IUD is upon me any day now, and the internet has terrified me with stories of uncomfortable sex, spotting, and worst of all, the discovery that my dad's first wife had one, got an infection, and was left sterile in the aftermath.

This anxiety for the new presence in my most delicate and intimate areas plus the fear for my relationship has left me awake and weeping several consecutive nights now.

I know love is a gamble. A leap, a courageous and sometimes risky investment. You've got to take that part of you that you've worked on all your life, the most sensitive, delicate, and passionate chunk of you and place it on the table. The $1000 chip we've spent our lives creating in the hopes that we'll win big. History tells us that the stakes are against us and, in all likelihood, that precious chunk of yourself you've given to someone else is gonna get swept away. 

When so much is on the table, how do we conquer the fear, and enjoy the game?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...