Monday, August 29, 2011

Physical Feelings and the Blast Radius of Heart Ache

Heartache can be a very physical pain, in my experience. In moments of jealously, or insecurity, and certainly when receiving harsh words from someone I'm emotionally vulnerable to, I often experience a pain in my palms. I can actually induce this ache if I think about something terrible. Sort of a burning pulling that can't be ignored, and definitely not imagined. Other times I feel the probably more traditional burst of stinging in my heart, like the muscle just beat a rush of blood the wrong temperature into my veins.

Something amazing happened to me the other night. I might be crazy, but I want to share just in case it was real. I was holding TMI against me and our chests were against one another. I was agonizing over my fear of repeating the B scenario and I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him that I was afraid to believe I was in love, since my senses are obviously insane and I have a history of falling for people that make me sick later in life. So I said "I don't trust myself."

And he said, "you don't trust yourself to be faithful?"

And I said, "I don't trust myself when I say I love you."

And then, with his chest still smashed up against mine, I felt a sudden pain in my heart; like the aftershock from a nearby explosion. TMI tried to wriggle away and was breathing like he might be choking back a sob or a cry of anguish. What I said hurt! Hurt like dropping a bomb and I felt it.

I don't know if I should have told him, as it was likely an unnecessary ouch; and I do certainly feel like I love him, but I can't shake the fear that it's wrong. And he needed to know that. But what I can't stop thinking about was that feeling.. was it real? Did TMI really experience such a heartache that I was within the blast radius? That's incredible.

Does anyone out there have pain in their palms? Burning in their chests? A tingling in their feet? What aches during heartache?


  1. It's called somatization, and it's a psychological disorder.

  2. i usually just get the pain in my chest. it gets hard to breathe but then i continue to talk and hope it goes's all nerves :)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...