Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Self Sabotage

I have a perfect relationship, and it deserves care and a lot of optimism. HOWEVER: there is an insecure and ugly side of me that likes to pop up out of the blue and completely incapacitate me with negativity and a seemingly hell bent goal to kill my prefect relationship. I can convince myself that I'm a total waste of space. I feel jealous. I fight myself in an effort to believe that I don't love him. I shrug away when he touches me. It's like I'm so exhausted from living under the fear of loosing him I'd rather just pull the plug and get it over with. Like choosing suicide instead of waiting for an unavoidable death asteroid or planet collision. (which, just for the record, I would TOTALLY wait for.)

Last night we were out late at a friend's and I was in such an inexplicable CHOKE HOLD of depression that I was struggling to not cry in front of all of his friends and was trying to pass off watery eyes as a result of laughing. TMI of course was totally aware of this and when we got home I cried because I was both embarrassed and bewildered by my body's chemical crazyness and my inability to control it. I wanted TMI to understand that it wasn't him, but in these episodes, especially when exacerbated by alcohol, I can't manage to communicate anything rational. His response was slaying me with guilt by crying and insisting that he tries so hard,(which he does: telling me 100 times plus every day that I'm the world's most beautiful woman, that he loves me more than anything, that he wants to spend his life with me, etc: more than anyone really deserves and certainly enough to keep someone secure in a relationship)and that he still can't seem to make me happy and comfortable. He was understandably exhausted. I know my happiness is not his responsibility; and frankly I think my unhappiness has nothing to do with him.

It's wickedly selfish, especially since I'm hurting the man I love by being so self involved; even if the self involved thoughts are intensely unflattering ones. It would break my heart if I lost him. He's perfect for me; he's the one, but the same part of me that wants to tell me that I'm inadequate also wants to be cruel to him and persuade him to leave me.

I've read other people complaining about similar relationship dysfunctions and even know someone who's infamous for driving away partners with self sabotage. I have no respect for it and TMI doesn't deserve to be a victim of it.


  1. I am a regular reader of your blog but have never commented. I couldn't help myself though. I don't know how old you are, but I would guess young. Early twenties? Here is my advice: you would not die without him. You would in fact, go on living. It would suck for a while, but you would find hapiness eventually. As soon as you realize this, you will be more secure in your relationship. Should he ever decide he does not want to be with you any longer, that is HIS decision. You cannot control it. You can only control what you do and the decisions you make. No sense making yourself (and him) miserable over something you have absolutely not control over. Change your mindset. It will help tremendously.

  2. I know the feeling all too well, just try to stay in the present moment (I know it's hard) and be positive during the time that you do really don't know where things will go so staying in the present is the only thing you can do...if you let yourself go into tomorrows or weeks or years from now, you'll be a worrying mess and you won't be able to function. Try to just appreciate the time you have and live in that specific moment, it has made all the difference for me! xo


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