Friday, November 11, 2011

The One's Shelf Life

The work visa fell like a stone giant and crushed beneath it lay the quivering remains of my hope for coming back to France. Last night I had to look at TMI and know that we had a finite number of kisses between us; a dwindling number of times I would open my eyes to his in the morning.

Of course, I cried like life was a lost cause long into the night and again this morning. It doesn't help that I'm visiting with TMI's family in the South, wanting to be well liked but sitting silent at each meal with a trembling lip.

Hurled yet again into post-graduate-obscurity. I hate not having a path, and for a few horrific moments I didn't even know what hemisphere I was going to commence my life as a hopeless hobo in.

Fortunately, this afternoon, TMI took a determined eye to the internet and found me some Masters programs I could pursue here in France, assuming that my French were good enough and that I could find the money. There are none in the city of Dijon, so we would only see one another on the weekends, and I wouldn't be starting until September of next year; meaning 9 months of separation.

Does love, realistically, have that sort of endurance? I mean everything has a shelf life, right? This is the one you guys; this is the one I want to make babies with and wake up to every morning. The one and only one I want to kiss before brushing teeth or feel smooshed against me when I'm falling asleep. This is a scary time and I want to know: can I put the One on the shelf, and does it have to hurt this much?


  1. I have been waiting for you to post for a while now but I wish it had come with happier news. From what I can see, this boy is worth the pain. Nine months is a long time but if this is the person you want to be with forever then it's only really a small dot on your timeline. It seems like what you have together is rare and, after so long being in an unhappy relationship then you can DEFINITELY stick it out for something that means so much to you. Keep us updated!

  2. I'm amazed at your ability to be self-reflective as you go through this.

    I wish I had some sage wisdom. You deserve it more than anyone.

    "Hey Universe-get on it!"

    I think that going home will help you know what you really want. I know that sounds awful, but there's something about being removed from what you love that helps you to get a handle on the reality of it, minus the day-to-day pheromone overload.

    So sucky. If it's any consolation, however small, my friend who works with international students is helping them all cope with how crappy the US is right now. They all want to go home to their respective countries.

    Political asylum anyone?

  3. Darling,

    You have to give it a try!

    I agree with Megan. You've worried about your choices in love before, and going back home may bring you more clarity.

    Anything worth having is worth fighting for..


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