The Schism Approaching

I'm in Avignon with my mother and, at this very moment, sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, arguing with her about circumcision. My 8-months-ago self would have fought this into the ground with me, but as some will remember from my last post on this subject, I am now pretty convinced that no one should cut off a part of their penis.

But this isn't what I want to talk about. Nor is it my mothers panic attacks, negativity, and contagious fear of adventure of even embarking on the next leg of our trip to Foix. Instead I want to tell you that A) I'm fatter than ever and ate too much salmon this afternoon, and B) mom and I visited the famed Palais de Papes and managed quite a good time. Afterwards we explored the beautiful adjacent gardens but the wind was so frisky and my mom so tiny that she was literally blowing away; we were forced to seek shelter in the indoors where I was assailed by the salmon.

And, finally, the literary news: My grand mother and great hero, Alberta, 102 years old and married seven times, world traveler, accomplished artist, and breaker of many rich and famous hearts, is on morphine in her Hawaiian old folks' home and on her way out. Her adventures are compiled in volumes and volumes of illustrated journals and notebooks- which I, as her equally horny and adventurous prodigy, have decided to digest and turn into her well deserved biography. I can frame it with my current French happenings as well as her humorous but defiant plunge into super-old age.

Lastly, I miss the man I love and dread the ever nearing schism between us when I am forced to retreat to the island chain half a globe away. ..In fact, seeing the worry in words causes a heart ache; so that closes this post.

Taming the Turtle Neck

Every girls night out and after the first glass of wine, the classic question always finds its way to the table. The topic has shifted to love, relationships, and that all time favourite, sex, when someone puts her drink down and says “circumcised or uncircumcised?” The answer is almost always unanimous in support of the former, but, honestly, most American women, myself included before coming to France, had never even met the later. Why so much hostility for the unknown? I admit I was one of the strongest anti-uncut advocates in the group, but I'd have to be honest: I all ready found the penis quite horrendous to behold, so who was to say it was capable of being worse?

My only exposure to the dreaded au natural before coming to France was some frightening looking drawings in an everything-you-need-to-know-about-sex book written and illustrated in the 80’s. They were scary, droopy things that looked like long hanging socks, and my friends and I were fairly convinced we wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with them; nor could we really fathom how the dang things even worked.

Welp, I have been to the other side,(only 14% of the men in France are circumcised) and I have, after several months and several sizes, shapes and temperaments, tamed the turtle neck.

And I think they're great! The little sheath is kind of a protective cover for the sensitive tip. If pulled down, the penis looks exactly like we're accustomed to- but it has a magic trick. Once, I was lying in bed with TMI, and, pretty much like always, he had an erection. We weren't planning on doing anything about it this particular instance, so, while I happened to be watching, TMI reached down, and, casually and carelessly grabbed hold of the skin on his penis and yanked it up to cover the tip. I gasped. “Doesn’t that hurt?!”

He didn’t even realise he had done it as it was apparently second nature. Wow! They can actually put the things away when they're not in use. Something about that is just a little too practical and.. polite for me to not be in support of. Lets be honest: the penis is hardly something enjoyable to look at,(unless you’re a man, as they undoubtedly find them magnificent,) and the sheath sort of hides it; covers up the blunt details. This pleases me! You can actually tell the guy to "put that thing away" and he actually can.

It's really rather amazing how circumcision has become the norm to such an extant that many women of my and even the generation before have never even run into the the natural version. What do you think? Is it really fair that the uncut get the short end of stick?

"Taming the Turtle Neck" is a guest post written for

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