Pliancy and Weakness

Today as I dried dishes in the cafe, gritting my teeth and grumbling because I am neither employee nor slave but treated as both, a plain looking girl, my age, received a wedding gift across the table. She had been married in Paris a week before.

My heart shrunk and sank to the back of my chest. The same thing had happened several weeks ago when watching the film The White Ribbon. The subtitles read: "That I would soon call this beloved creature my wife filled me with such elation.." the rest escapes me, but not the tightening in my chest. I kept repeating the words to myself the week through.

I know, I know. Every independent, self proclaimed woman of modernity and a true sense of self should be too wise to whimper and whine for marriage. But there is no secret to this anymore: I'm a young soul. In fact I'm firmly convinced that this is my first go at being a human, (if one is to believe such things) and was more likely drifting space dust in my last incarnation than anything dealing with human relationships and the task of loving one's self. I cry at music, laugh and clap at a bird taking a bath, blow every dandelion, am wildly superstitious and believe everything the first time I hear it.  The result is I'm a slave to my biology. Jealously lays me on the floor boards and insecurity walks all over me like a throw rug while my mind hasn't the vaguest idea how to conquer either.

Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being, which leads me to believe my soul is squirming in a state of infancy. Long story short, I want desperately to be loved deeply, and, perhaps more over, with constant affirmation. I want someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me, and to prove it with paperwork. 

Physical Feelings and the Blast Radius of Heart Ache

Heartache can be a very physical pain, in my experience. In moments of jealously, or insecurity, and certainly when receiving harsh words from someone I'm emotionally vulnerable to, I often experience a pain in my palms. I can actually induce this ache if I think about something terrible. Sort of a burning pulling that can't be ignored, and definitely not imagined. Other times I feel the probably more traditional burst of stinging in my heart, like the muscle just beat a rush of blood the wrong temperature into my veins.

Something amazing happened to me the other night. I might be crazy, but I want to share just in case it was real. I was holding TMI against me and our chests were against one another. I was agonizing over my fear of repeating the B scenario and I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him that I was afraid to believe I was in love, since my senses are obviously insane and I have a history of falling for people that make me sick later in life. So I said "I don't trust myself."

And he said, "you don't trust yourself to be faithful?"

And I said, "I don't trust myself when I say I love you."

And then, with his chest still smashed up against mine, I felt a sudden pain in my heart; like the aftershock from a nearby explosion. TMI tried to wriggle away and was breathing like he might be choking back a sob or a cry of anguish. What I said hurt! Hurt like dropping a bomb and I felt it.

I don't know if I should have told him, as it was likely an unnecessary ouch; and I do certainly feel like I love him, but I can't shake the fear that it's wrong. And he needed to know that. But what I can't stop thinking about was that feeling.. was it real? Did TMI really experience such a heartache that I was within the blast radius? That's incredible.

Does anyone out there have pain in their palms? Burning in their chests? A tingling in their feet? What aches during heartache?