Yell if You Have To.

My honey has been working in a vineyard in the boonies for the last several weeks with no internet connection and no international cell phone plan. I send him daily love messages anyway, knowing they won't be read, but I'm sorrowfully starting to feel like "my honey" is imaginary.

In other news I have been fitted with my IUD. Yes, as yahoo answers will tell you and the thousands of other girls posting "will it hurt?" it will just about ruin your day. A second nurse actually came in and gave me a stress squeeze ball and her hand to hold, saying, "yell if you have to." For the record, I probably made the people in the waiting room very nervous. 

I've been consistently campy for the past few days, but I will say that going off the pill has lead to an increase in libido, (hard to believe since I was already in the maniac devision) and, TMI here, more intense orgasms. Just throwing it out there as one of the potential pros. -For anyone potentially in the decision making process.

One week and counting to my brother's wedding, which means 1 week and three days before I return to France and survey what damage two months apart has done to my once perfect relationship. I hope it's all repairable. 

Oh! And lastly, cancer news: I get to stay in limbo for the next 9 months. I'm told it's at a stage where my body may kick it on its own with "yoga, a multivitamin," and probably karate lessons. I have to come back next year for a second biopsy to see if it's gone, the same, or worsened. 

Live in the moment!

The $1000 Chip

I'm seemingly going through a dark place. In the day I can't remember what our intimacy was like or if it even existed. Sometimes I get a little flashback in my dreams, and wake up elated, but as I rub the sleep out of my eyes it's overcome by this ache in my stomach. Kind of a fear and misery with no real base, just a persistent and defiant continuity. 

Now, even if he tells me he loves me and wants to keep me, the words can't penetrate me. I wan't them to, terribly; I want to feel that and be confident of it, but the fear and discomfort has built up such an immense and resilient endoskeleton of distrust that my pining, delicate entrailles can't be reached or soothed by words.

On top of this, the IUD is upon me any day now, and the internet has terrified me with stories of uncomfortable sex, spotting, and worst of all, the discovery that my dad's first wife had one, got an infection, and was left sterile in the aftermath.

This anxiety for the new presence in my most delicate and intimate areas plus the fear for my relationship has left me awake and weeping several consecutive nights now.

I know love is a gamble. A leap, a courageous and sometimes risky investment. You've got to take that part of you that you've worked on all your life, the most sensitive, delicate, and passionate chunk of you and place it on the table. The $1000 chip we've spent our lives creating in the hopes that we'll win big. History tells us that the stakes are against us and, in all likelihood, that precious chunk of yourself you've given to someone else is gonna get swept away. 

When so much is on the table, how do we conquer the fear, and enjoy the game?

Bitchn' Bout Birth Control

I'm highly considering getting an IUD. The hormones from contraceptives make me crazy and give me cysts in my boobs. Not working. Anyone who knows me and knows this blog will also know that condoms ain't gonna cut it. The IUD sounds ideal, lasting 5-12 years either without hormones or just keeping them where they belong, in (your uterus,) but it's very expensive and apparently terrifying. Horror stories plague the internet of women who havent had children, like myself, and endure terrible pain, bleeding and cramping through a scary procedure involving a cervical clamp. *shudder*

It's not like I'm doing it because I WANT to- this is the other thing that's getting me- I'm doing it for my relationship. So we can continue to have sex, avoid conception for the time being, and not assail our union with emotional outbursts. I hate that I have to deal with all this and also keep it partially to myself. Taking hormones? Invasive procedures? Ouchy boobs and emotional roller coasters all because apparently BEING A WOMAN SUCKS, and contraceptives are completely our responsibility. 

If your guy was getting something painfully shoved up his penis for $500 dollars just to make monogamous sex with you safe wouldn't you feel like you should pitch in for the price? Or at least say thank you? 

I'm sorry, I'm angry. I blame the pills. I have an appointment on Thursday and my nerves are off the charts.